Managing Your Need in
Relationships
by Margaret E. Backman, PhD
Clinical
Psychologist, New York, New York
As a psychologist, I tend to hear the problem-side of
relationships. And what I often hear when I speak with groups like this
are comments such as "What do I do? My husband won't listen to me. He's
tired of hearing about my problems."
I am not thinking just about
husbands and wives: I am thinking about lovers, friends, children,
siblings, and parents. I am also thinking about how the effects of
post-polio syndrome can upset the balance in these relationships, and
everyone has to get in balance again, often creating a new type of
relationship.
In fact, one of the issues that we talk about in
therapy is how to handle your dependency needs: how to have them and
manage them in relationships; how to avoid letting them become a burden to
you or to others; and how to avoid predicaments where anyone who says "I'm
going to take care of you" gets into your life.
Another kind of
relationship in which dependency plays a role that can cause conflict may
occur when you are living with or caring for an elderly parent. In one
such case, the person who had had polio started developing symptoms of
post-polio syndrome as he aged. At the same time, his elderly mother was
getting older and becoming more dependent. She began making more demands
and did not understand that her child (now an adult) also needed some
care. There may be people in similar situations here in this audience. We
are all getting to that age where we are becoming caregivers of parents or
older relatives. What do you do when all of a sudden your own functioning
is being compromised, and yet you are expected to care for someone who
does not understand or does not want to understand your new problems?
There is no easy solution.
Relationships with children, of course,
can be another source of stress. The direction that the stress takes
depends in part upon the age of the child; but regardless of age, children
- even if they are twenty or thirty years old - do not like to see parents
becoming weak, becoming less than the strong people they once were.
Children are often slow to realize that parents need help and are unable
to do what they once did. So there may be a lot of denial in the family
that puts a lot of pressure on the relationship between parent and child.
When you experience a slowly progressive disability like the late
effects of polio, it has an effect on the way you relate to others and
they to you, particularly those with whom you live. As your condition
changes, roles also begin to change. One difficulty is that your symptoms
and needs may not always be obvious. You may dislike having to keep
reminding others that you need assistance. Your family and friends may
encourage you to continue to do things that are now difficult for you.
They may be partly in a state of denial, having their own problems and
anxieties in accepting your changing condition. Tempers can flair and
resentments can build. What can you do?
- Keep the lines of communication open.
- Share literature about your `condition.`
- Talk with others about your situation and the changing
roles.
Look for ways to change behaviors. Find new ways of
talking with and helping each other. Be an active participant in managing
your needs.
Set limits. Learn how and when to ask for help.
Remind people if they need prompting. Do not expect others to
always remember or anticipate your needs.
Find people outside of
your family and primary relationships for additional support. Be aware of
your own feelings and those of others.
Recognize others'
contributions and show appreciation. Refrain from manipulation by laying
guilt or referring to yourself as a "burden." Remind yourself that others
close to you also have days when they may feel afraid, anxious, angry, and
tired.
We are talking about empathy A relationship is a unit in
which feelings converge and diverge. It is a give and take. Keep reminding
others of what you want and how you feel. You may become irritated when
you have already told people over the weeks or years that sometimes you
get very tired. Do not take their forgetfulness as a personal insult. Just
quietly learn gentle ways of reminding them again that you are feeling
tired. Seek individual counseling or family therapy if problerns continue.
Naturally I have a bias in this direction, being a therapist
myself. I am concerned when I see the lists of treatnent teams set up by
some of the medical centers and realize that no psychologist or other
mental health professional is on them. The OT is on there; the PT is on
there. Occasionally they include a social worker, which usually means
someone to handle the practical matters related to benefits or placement.
I ask all of you to urge your medical professionals to think more about
your mental health to have them not be afraid of emotions. A physician
once said to me (in another context, as I work with people with various
illnesses and conditions besides polio), "God bless them! Somehow they
cope!" And I thought, "Would you say that of patients who had a pain in
their leg or their back? No, you'd treat them or send them to a
professional with expenence in that area to help stop the pain."
Emotional pain can be dealt with as well. Problems in
relationships can cause pain, too, and that pain can be dealt with by
those with professional training. I hope that you will feel it a strength,
not a weakness, on your part to seek help for any problems that arise in
your relationships.
Reprinted from Polio Network News, Vol. 12, No. 4, with
permission of Gazette International Networking Institute, 4207 Lindell
Blvd., #110, St. Louis, MO 63108-2915.
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